You... Are a Douchebag.

Hello everyone—

I know it has been quite some time since i have posted any work on this tumblr— and for that, i am sorry. BUT DO NOT FEAR! Soon, i will have my official website up and running. And then, you will be able to view and purchase my work and merchandise til your heart’s content.

So… keep that in mind. 

As always, stay in touch with me on twitter (@itastepaint)

AND KEEP A LOOKOUT for www.itastepaint.com, coming in the spring.

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Dear Douchebag In The Lacoste Ad,

You… are a douchebag. Seriously. You, with your overpriced polo, belt, and unimpressive jeans (genes?) should just go die in a corner. Seriously. I didn’t go into your store, and I know you didn’t go into either. Why? Because no one buys Lacoststoomuch. Why? Because if I wanna buy over priced shitty fashion, I’ll go to American Apparel. Oh, and wipe that goddamn sneer/smirk thing off of your face. You don’t look sexy, you don’t look alluring, you look like a power bottom. A biiiig nelly power bottom.

Happy Fathers’ Day everyone.

So i know it has been a while since i have updated everyone… and for that, i am sorry.

But life happens! Art happens! …procrastination happens too. (tommorrow. it happens tomorrow). But in all seriousness i was sick. And lazy. Mostly lazy.

That said, enjoy the following.

Dear Douchebag Flirting With My Boyfriend In The Ice Cream Drive-Thru Lane,

You… are a douchebag. It’s kind of sad, really. When i think about all the douchebaggy things your life must consist of. You probably leave your douchebag job, to get in your douchebag car, to go to your douchebag apartment, where you commence with so much more douchebaggery than my recovering stomach can handle.

Maybe this will be an educational moment for you. Maybe if i point out your obvious douching skills (primarily when it involves a bag), you will change.

So first up. Let me explain proper places/ways to hit on people. You know, you are probably cleaning douchebaggy earwax out of your ear, so i’ll just stick with places for now. Here is a list, alphabetized, of inappropriate places to hit on people: Alcoholics Anonymous, American Embassy, Anywhere Involving The Words “Voluntary Bodily Harm”, Banks, Bonsai Tree Growing Class, College Classrooms, Detroit Airport, Emergency Rooms (especially if they are bleeding), Fragrance Counters, Frame Shops, Grammar School, Grannie’s All You Can Eat Buffet, Gyms, Hamburger Joints, Ice Cream Shop Drive-Thru Lanes, Jungles, Kangaroo Habitats, Landscaping Businesses, Malls, Marketing Firms, NAMBLA Dinners, North Pole, Oz, Propane Tank Cages, Quilting Bees, Railway Stations, Rembrandt Painting Exhibits, Shooting Ranges, Staples, Texas (yes, ALL of it), Ugly Betty Fan Club Meetings, Utah, Variety Shows, Verizon Wireless Stores, “Wart Removal” Section of Walgreens Aisle, Walgreens (in it’s entirety), Walmart (especially if it is in or within 30 ft of the clothing) Wisconsin, (and since whoever came up with “X” can’t find a word other than “x-ray, xylophone, or xenophobe” that starts with x) eXamination Offices (especially STD and Abortion clinics), (The Entire) Year Of 1995, and finally, Zero Gravity.

Now, as you can see, by the list above, you have hit on someone at an inappropriate location. You, working at an ice cream store, that has a drive thru lane, should have known that you were at a particular risk. The thing is, douchebags love to hit on people, and need to do it in order to continue living their lives with the same douchebag potency. It has been shown that, in extreme situations and places, such as crash landing on a deserted island or  anywhere on the coast of New Jersey, douchebags will hit on inanimate objects, in desperation. Some slower species of douchebag have even been known to, under the assumption that silence means “yes”, attempt to enter coitus with large rocks, pillows that look like titties when you squint your eyes, and the entire state of Michigan. (Little known fact: Sarah Palin’s husband is the only douchebag known to science that actually succeeded in impregnating a titty-pillow. The titty-pillow, or as it is now called, Sarah Palin, has not been confirmed to be sentient being, and is therefore assumed to be some mutated species of the common mushroom.)

Now, judging by your horrible pick-up lines, I will assume that this is your first offense, and let you off with a warning. Why? Because i’m feeling generous today, and since you are still a douchebag in your infancy, there is hope.

Look! In the sky! the douchebag symbol! i am needed elsewhere! now, i fly!

ummm…

not to be a spelling nazi, but i think you meant “horny”.

Ask me anything

You know… i am not sure i have ever received flowers at all…

Ask me anything

Either a) broke the law while skipping school to take photos of abandoned houses….
b) dressed up as Sarah Palin (wig, skirt, the whole thing.)

Ask me anything

yep. that’s right. 

biggest weakness— good food or good design.

best asset? my unflinching indecisiveness. Or is it?

Ask me anything

All requests for companionship must be submitted between the hours of 9:53 and 10:38 pm on the 2nd thursday in February of any and all years. Submitted applications are subjected to credit checks and interviews, including lie detector, DNA, and drug tests. Do not apply if you are afraid of needles, mineral spirits, or the possible application of sodium penthol (aka truth serum).

Please direct any and all questions to your local office.

Ask me anything

Success is the best revenge.

Ask me anything